Tag: Gambling

Sports

NFL Betting Guide 2023-24: Week 2 Sunday

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

After a dreadful Week 1 I found myself on the right side Thursday Night’s spread. Hopefully that is a sign of things to come, but you never know especially when you suck at gambling like I do.

Packers vs. Falcons (-1.5)

I’m not sure what it is, but I like the Falcons a lot this year. I think they even have a chance to win the South if things break their way. As for this game though, I think Atlanta is going to run all over the Packers defense Sunday. I know Jordan Love looked good last weekend, but I’m expecting a bit of regression back to the mean this week for him, and the Green Bay offense. I like the spread where its at too. Less than a field goal bodes well for the Falcons in what most likely will be a close game.

Seahawks vs Lions (Over 47)

This theoretically should be a fun over. The Lions offense at home indoors should put be able to up some serious points. The Seahawks offense cannot possibly be as bad as they were last week. It doesn’t take much to get to 47. One good quarter should put us on pace and even a bad one won’t cripple you. The last two times these teams met they have scored at least 80 combined points. That has never happened between the same two teams in three straight meetings. We don’t need that though we just have to get to 48.

Commanders vs. Broncos (Under 38.5)

There’s no way this isn’t a snooze fest of a game. Both teams have good defenses and either somewhat inept (Washington) or completely inept (Denver) offenses. I like Washington to win in a close low scoring game. For what it’s worth I like the Commanders +3.5 as well, but they burned me last week and I think the under is the safer play here.

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Sports

NFL Betting Guide 2023-24: Week 2 Thursday

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

Vikings vs. Eagles (-6.5) (48.5)

I am a broken man after Week 1. That was one of, if not my worst, week since I started writing these. So I’d say whatever I pick here you should probably fade. Anyways, I got chance to watch the entirety of the Eagles game on Sunday against the Patriots and they played about one good quarter and then hung on for dear life to win the game. Minnesota on the other hand was on the losing side of my only win last week against Tampa Bay. I’m conflicted here because this seems like a prime bounce back spot for the Vikings, but it could also be a chance for the Eagles to get back on track and play a complete game. Minnesota did outgain Tampa last week and the Eagles were outgained by New England. I feel like with the line sitting up at 6.5 you’re better off taking the dog and hoping for a close game. I don’t ever advocate for it, but I’m doing it. We’re taking Prime Time Kirk. What a way to try and get back on track.

The Play: Vikings +6.5

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Sports

NFL Betting Guide 2023-24: Week 1 Monday

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

So, I’m just going to say it, we’re not off to a great start. 1-4 on the season is not ideally how I would’ve liked to start my season, but here we are. I’ve been pretty vocal about who I’m backing in this game so I’ll keep this post short and sweet.

Bills (-2) vs. Jets (44.5)

I need a big win tonight. Plain and simple. I am all over the Bills in this game. I think the Jets will be a competitive team this year, but I also think because there are a lot of new faces on that team (QB included) it may take a few weeks for them to gel. I’m also just an Aaron Rodgers hater and I’m a Jets hater. I’m not letting those factors blind me with this bet though. I think the Bills as less than a field goal favorites is crazy value. This is a team that won 13 games last year and didn’t lose much. The Jets have to prove it to me and until they do I’m not buying them. Bills roll tonight.

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Sports

NFL Betting Guide 2023-24: Week 1 Sunday

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

It’s finally time for the first full slate of Sunday games for the year and I couldn’t be more ecstatic. Like I mentioned in Thursday’s post I’m going to adjusting the format slightly this year. Instead of picking one favorite, underdog, over, under, and lock I’m just going to be giving my best bet’s for the week whatever they may be. Week 1 is always tricky to forecast so I have my work cut out for me here, but let’s get into it.

Patriots (+4) vs. Eagles

How could we not start off with one of Charlie Murphy’s Habitual Line Steppers of the Week? As crazy as it sounds this feels like a Week 1 trap game for the Eagles. They are coming off and incredible season that saw them fall just short in the Super Bowl and the Patriots missed the playoffs going 8-9 last season. For some reason though I think the Pats are going to be feisty in this one. An improved offense in terms of weapons and a new OC should work wonders for Mac Jones. Yes, the offensive line is going to be an issue, but they weren’t full healthy this preseason so I expect them to look at least marginally better as a unit. I think a little Super Bowl hangover is also in the cards for the Eagles as well. On a day where the Patriots honor Tom Brady they get back to doing what they did for 20 years with him under center. Win.

Commanders (-7) vs. Cardinals

The Cardinals come into this season in one of the more obvious “tank modes” in recent history. With Caleb Williams primed to be the number one overall pick and the team seemingly out on Kyler Murray at this point it all adds up. Sometimes teams in this spot come out and surprise their opponents in Week 1. I think back to the Jaguars beating the Colts in Week 1 a couple years ago only to finish the season 1-15. I just don’t see that happening here and I think this line is a bit too low especially with Josh Dobbs at QB. After a couple games I think we’ll start to see Cardinals lines starting to sit closer to 10. The Commanders are going to be a tough out this year too. Maybe not a playoff team per say, but competitive. They have to have this game if they think they’re going to make a run at the playoffs and they should play like it. There’s no reason they can’t win by more than a score here.

Buccaneers (+5.5) vs. Vikings

This is easily the grossest bet I’m going to make this week, but I like it for some reason. The Vikings won a ton of one score games last year and the Bucs still have the remnants of a decent roster. Baker Mayfield tends to pull shit out of his ass from time to time as well. This Bucs team kind of reminds me of the Sam Darnold Panthers from a couple years ago. They started out hot at 3-0 and then regressed back to what we thought they were. I think Tampa could get hot early in a bad division and then come back down to earth. This feels like a close game regardless. Someone wins by a field goal. Bucs cover.

Texans (+10) vs. Ravens

I could be completely out of bounds on this one, but it just feels like Lamar Jackson’s teams have tended to play inferior teams closely time after time. The Texans with a new head coach and their new franchise QB should be motivated to come out and play a competitive game on Sunday. I think DeMeco Ryans will have some tricks up his sleeve on how to handle Lamar as well. Texans will keep it close and the Ravens will pull it out late, but by less than 10. Texans cover.

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Sports

NFL Betting Guide 2023-24: Week 1 Thursday

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

It’s finally time to kick off the 2023-24 NFL season and you know what that means? Time to start (hopefully) giving out some winners. I am changing the format up a little bit for this season too. For standalone games I will only be giving out one pick whether that’s against the spread or a total. For Sundays I will be picking somewhere between three and five games most weeks aka my “best bets” for the weekend. I won’t be doing one of each like in the past, but don’t worry there will still be plenty of Charlie Murphy’s Habitual Line Steppers on the board.

So, now that’s out of the way let’s get into the season opener.

Lions vs. Chiefs (-4.5) (52.5)

This line has swung two points in the last day or two with news of Travis Kelce’s injury, and potential to miss this game, as well as Chris Jones’ contract situation keeping him out of this one. With the Chiefs second and third best players out or potentially out for the game it makes the Lions all the more enticing. Detroit (along with the Jets) have been the talk of the offseason as teams ready to take that leap into the playoff picture. Well what a test the Lions get in Week 1 with the defending Super Bowl Champs. I do like what they were able to do in the draft adding to their offense with Jahmyr Gibbs and Sam LaPorta to go along with an already strong receiving corps. I also love Dan Campbell and his ability to motivate, but we are talking about going up against Patrick Mahomes here. Like I said, the Chiefs second and third best players are likely out for this one, but their best player (and the best player in the league) will still be on the field tonight. Had Kelce and Jones been playing, and the line was still at -6.5, I think I still would have went Chiefs. Now with it down at -4.5 even with some of their best players out I still like Kansas City tonight. I have a feeling a lot of casual bettors (which I am one of) are going to be heavily on the Lions tonight, and who can blame them? It’s the more fun bet for sure, but we’re trying to make money here. As much as I’d love to root for the Lions tonight I have to go with my gut on this one.

The Play: Chiefs -4.5

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Sports

The Decision

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

First off I want to thank everyone who followed along with the Fuck BetOnline Chronicles. Although I wasn’t able to bankrupt those crooks (shocker I know), it was still a lot of fun. Now that leaves me with a conundrum. With online sportsbooks going live in Massachusetts in less than two weeks who am I going to bet with next?

Think back to where you were on July 8, 2010. LeBron James ran a 75 minute ESPN special where he announced he’d be leaving Cleveland and signing with the Miami Heat. Thirteen years later the hottest free agent in all of sports betting is looking for a new home. People have been clamoring for months to know my next move. Friends and family keep asking where I’m going to lose all my money next. Random people are stopping me on the streets to ask the same, but I just plow through them like Kenny rejecting a sober ride home from the bar. Now the time has come to make a decision, and unlike that self-centered prick Lebron I don’t need a 75 minute TV special to do it, a couple hundred words should suffice.

The Choices

That’s right we’re down to four. Barstool, Draft Kings, Bet MGM, and Caesars. I’ve been on a recruiting tour of sorts. All four of these companies have been tugging at my shirt for months. Let’s see what the did to reel me in:

Barstool

We kick it off with the presumed favorite. I like Barstool for a lot of reasons, and the specials they run are quite enticing. Plus they let me smoke ribs with Frank the Tank.

Cooked to perfection if you ask me.

Draft Kings

I did daily fantasy with Draft kings so I do feel a bit of loyalty to them. They also fixed the transfer case in my BMW.

Bet MGM

I signed up with them through a promotion when I was in Detroit so it would be convenient to roll with them. Not to mention they sent me out for a night on the town with the Berger Boys.

Caesars

Caesars will have a retail location 20 minutes from my house, and I drank out of chalices with JB Smoove on their dime.

So now that I’ve weighed all my options. Considered all of the benefits (both permissible and impermissible) that I received I think I’ve made a decision, but first this blog is brought to you by:

Alright now that we’re back, and you’re on the edge of your seat, it’s the moment that tens of thousands around the world have been waiting for…

“In this spring, this is very tough, in this spring I’m going to take my talents to HQ3 and join the Barstool Sportsbook.”

So there you have it. Barstool wins the bidding war. It wasn’t an easy one, but it’s the right decision for me and my money. The next step is picking up an overs club jacket. Thanks to those who have followed me on this journey the last couple weeks and I look forward to my next chapter with Barstool Sportsbook. While we’re at it too, one last time for the people, let me hear it…

FUCK BETONLINE.

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Sports

The Fuck BetOnline Chronicles (Part 4)

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

Previous Installments: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Back to the drawing board. In hindsight betting on a 6 win team probably wasn’t the best option. I’m back down to $147 in my account and I’m at 57% ($2,402.11/$4,200) of my rollover. Before I get into my pick I just want to give a special fuck BetOnline shout out to my man Jeff. He was all over Ricky Stenhouse Jr. to win the Daytona 500 yesterday which would’ve paid +3500. I say would have because he wasn’t able to make that bet because BetOnline only had head to head matchups and not drivers to win the actual race. I mean what are we even doing here? I can’t wait to be done with this shit site.

For today I’m riding a hot hand. The Bruins have been shit pumping teams lately and my dude Mancones has found a way to capitalize. Today we’re taking the Boston Bruins (-0.5) (+100) in the First Period vs. the Ottawa Senators. I like the even payout and I like the Bruins in the Garden even more. Let’s get it going early and I apologize in advance if I mush this bet.

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Sports

The Fuck BetOnline Chronicles (Part 3)

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

Catch up with Part 1 and Part 2 here.

I’m fucking back baby. The Ohio State and Iowa over cashed last night so I’m back on track. I’m now up to $247.91 in my account. The rollover total is at $2,316.01/$4,200 (55%). It was good to get on the board with a big win last night, but I need to keep the momentum rolling. Stacking wins is the only way I’m going to be able to unlock the money with anything worth withdrawing in the account. Tonight’s slate is tough. There are no NBA games as they begin All-Star weekend tonight. The NHL board is scarce and college basketball has only mid major games tonight. That means I’m going into this pick blind.

Tonight I’m going with another Action Network suggestion and backing former Number 1 overall recruit Emoni Bates and the Eastern Michigan Eagles (+17.5) against the Kent State Golden Flashes. Eastern has been horrible this year (6-20), but Bates has shown up big in their nationally televised games so far this season. They also only lost by 14 in their last matchup with the Golden Flashes although that game was at home. I’m banking on another big night from Bates here, as he hopes to see his draft stock climb back up to what it was when he stepped on campus at Memphis as a freshman. The official play is $100.91 on Eastern Michigan (+17.5) (-105) vs. Kent State. Let’s rip it.

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Sports

The Fuck BetOnline Chronicles (Part 2)

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

Well, George Washington got their ass kicked last night so I’m down $200. I have $157 left in my account so tonight’s play will be for $100 to guarantee myself at least one more pick. Hopefully this can actually be a long term thing and not just a mini-series, but you never know. Currently I’m 52% of the way to my rollover number now ($2,225.10/$4,200) which makes tonight’s pick more or less a must win. Had I won last night I would’ve had over $500 in the account which would’ve really given me some wiggle room. That was not to be though as all three of Action Networks “Best Bets” for Wednesday were losers so I never even had a chance. Maybe I could get a job over there if you never have to be correct? Just a thought. Anyways, let’s take a look at what I’m taking tonight.

I am going back to the well with Action Network, but with a different angle. They like Ohio State +7.5 against Iowa tonight. Ohio State has lost 11 of their last 12 with their only win coming against the Hawkeyes. The score of that game was 93-77. That’s 170 total points. The total for this game is set at 153 and I’m riding with it. Both teams have played in some high scoring games this year so I’m hoping for more of the same tonight.

The Play: Ohio State/Iowa Over 153 (-110)

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Sports

Fuck BetOnline

Posted on by Jake Rezendes

I was struggling trying to figure out what I was going to write about these next couple weeks now that football is over. Well BetOnline has given me plenty to write about now. To give a little backstory, I deposited a total of $400 into my account over the course of the football season. We don’t unit shame here by the way. I’m fucking poor so I don’t bet a ton of money because I’m only a semi-moron. Going into the Super Bowl I had $200 left in my account. Now that online sportsbooks were set to go live in Massachusetts on March 10th I decided I was going to bet my whole account on the game. So I put half on the Chiefs +1.5 and bet the rest on props. Thanks to the Chiefs and Harrison Butker hitting an upright I walked away from the game with $344 in my account. My plan was to pull out whatever I won and hold onto it and put it in my new book in March. Here’s where the story gets fun.

I got a text from my good friend Jeff on Monday morning saying he can’t get his money out of BetOnline because of bonus money rollover rules. So I immediately checked my account. Turns out every time you accept a deposit bonus you need to use what you deposit plus the bonus money 10x over in order to pull any money out of your account. At this point I was only 48% of the way to my rollover number which was $4,200. I had used $2,041.33 as of Monday morning.

So I had a genius idea. In order to bet this final $2,100 I was going to put large wagers on heavy favorites in order to unlock the money. My first venture was the College of Charleston money line against Northeastern. They went off at -1600 and I put $200.66 on them to win $12.54. They won easily and I thought I had a foolproof system to get the money out. 10 or 11 more wagers like that and the money would be mine, but as Lee Corso would say “Not so fast, my friend!”

When I went to check my rollover number I noticed it was at 2,053.99/4,200. Still 48%. Turns out BetOnline takes the lower number between the wager and the payout and applies it to your total. So if you bet $200 to win $12 like I did it takes the $12 and applies it to rollover total. If you bet $5 to win $100 it would take the $5 and apply it to the total. It’s basically to stop people from doing what I did which I guess is smart. The problem I have with it is how shady it is. I get it’s a sketchy overseas online gambling company, but come on. I used Bovada in the past and to unlock their bonus money you just had to win bets and it would unlock. None of this ridiculous 10x bullshit. I probably could’ve read the fine print, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to take responsibility for my own actions.

I know we’re not talking about a ton of money here either, but for a poor fuck like me it would be nice to take out the $350 I have and use it, rather then have to deposit even more money while I have some just sitting there. The whole situation is very frustrating, but it begs the question. What do I do now? There’s really only one thing to do. I have to exact revenge on BetOnline. I’ll get the money out of that account if it fucking kills me. I’ll drag them down to the depths of Hell. More realistically though, I’ll probably lose it in a week or two and be even more pissed off, but I’m going to try like a motherfucker.

Let’s get into it then. The first bet on my way to unlocking my money. I’ll be honest with you too, I’m going to be taking expert advice here. I need to win at a very high clip and my 55% winning percentage, while good, probably won’t cut it. Plus there’s going to be a lot of College Basketball wagers in here which for sure isn’t my specialty.

Tonight’s play is George Washington (PK) (-117) $200.20 to win $171.11 vs. George Mason. I got this pick courtesy of Action Network so, hopefully they don’t steer me wrong. Stay tuned for more updates on my revenge tour against BetOnline.

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